washing of the water

one of my heroes is peter gabriel.  he’s got this tune, washing of the water, that is for the downtrodden and weary.  on so many levels it’s just a fantastic song.  but the next to last line is “in the washing of the water will you take it all away”.  i heard this guy, sy rogers, speak a few years ago.  he’s the first person i remember talking openly, unashamedly, about his past as a gay man on female hormones on a waiting list to have a sex change.  the thing is, it wasn’t the very gay details of his past that shocked me.  it wasn’t that he was talking about it in a church.  it was his candid way of revealing his brokenness that allowed me to see someone who was unafraid and completely confident in his identity in christ.

he talked about living in our world as it relates to sex, desires, advertising, etc. and that by just being out in the world we get dirty.  i don’t know, maybe the cleaner we are the dirtier we are capable of getting.  we see lots of stuff that isn’t right.  depravity.   this muck builds up.  he said he has to pray every day for christ to wash him clean and take the layer of filth away.  a perpetual renewing of the spirit.

which leads me to the point that we are called to live in the world but we don’t have to marinate in it.  check out the links section and get x3watch installed on the computers you have access to.  not enough of a deterrent?  cancel your internet service then.  it is better for you to pay a little more and buy locally than to get it on ebay while allowing your whole body to be thrown into the fiery pit.  (yes, that was supposed to be humorous.) seriously though, you have to decide what’s important.  through a series of events not entirely intended to leave my house tv-less, my house has become basically tv-less.  (i do have a 13″ tv that i won at project graduation in ‘93 that i can take out of the closet–duly stored because of its unsightly nature–if i really, really want to watch something.)  what i have noticed from this experience is that i feel like it’s allowing some of my wounds to heal.  sometimes we get some real healing and then don’t protect the tenderness that is exposed.  i don’t think we consciously realize the effects of daily bombardments of images and advertising that wear us down.  do i think it’s possible to overcome a porn addiction while having unchecked internet access and expanded cable tv?  i suppose anything’s possible, but damn, that’s the hard way to do it if you ask me.

well, to summarize, a simple, genuine prayer for cleansing from all the daily yuck that we are called to wade through goes a long way.  i don’t know how it works–especially since most of the time i’m not aware of what i’m absorbing.  but somehow, through this process i feel a little more me, a little more affirmed in my identity, and a little bit stronger.

p.s.  i took a bit of a hiatus from the door due to general life craziness with 2 kids 2 and under, trying to sell an 81 yr old house, build a house, provide for my family, and prepare for moving into a new office building.  but, i have also thought of several more posts for the blog–this one was just kind of to get the wheels turning again.  thanks for checking in; i hope in some way that this blog can help.  (and i’m not saying that if you throw away your computer and your tv everything will be great.  for example, without a computer you would not be able to participate in this blog.  just try to be smart about it.)

question:  is it worth it to ease this burden a bit by sacrificing tv and/or internet?

bonus question:  if you have x3watch, who do you send your reports to?  (please don’t use names–use descriptions like a friend, my spouse, my accountability partner–i shudder a bit at the terminology, etc.)  how is it working out for you?

discussion

allinarow brought up, in an interesting comment to the previous post, a great point on which i’d like to expand. why is this subject talked about so little when it is such (sadly) a big part of the world around us? is there something more fundamental inside us that shys away from acknowledging porn? i’ll throw out a few more questions: do you think that 42.7% of the people you know look at porn on the internet? do you know anyone who contributes to the $13 billion porn industry? if not you or your friends then who?

so who’s engaging in this behavior?

i gathered up some statistics on porn:

4.2 million porn websites (out of date, i’m sure)

68 million daily pornographic search engine requests

42.7% of internet users view porn (72% male, 28% female)

80% of 15-17 year old males have had multiple hardcore exposures

usa porn industry revenue ($13.3 billion in 2006) exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC

70% of 18-24 year old men admit to visiting porn websites in a typical month.

i can, of course, provide you with references to these stats if you wish/ask. i’m posting this for a few reasons. first, to those of you who read this blog and feel alone in your struggle, you are not alone. second, to those of you living in la-la land, wake up! this is a real, humongous issue and if you want to help others, stop being afraid to talk about it. and to others, stop saying, “i struggle with lust” and just own up to it–call it for what it is. third, $13.3 billion is a large chunk of change–especially for one year. oh, and an additional $3 billion is made on the sale of illegal child pornography. ironically, the theme song from happy days just came into my head. some happy days.

how would you feel…

a few weeks ago matches had a post that, through the numerous comments, brought up many questions concerning porn. one that stuck with me was, “what is porn?” i’m sure webster’s has a definition, and i’m sure different people have differing views on what exactly constitutes porn. for the purposes of this blog, i’m going to define pornography as images of the human form that, when viewed, cause one to move from the divine to the worldly–drawing our focus from god to self. in this way, it is defined by the viewer. however, while the line from art to porn may be blurry, there is a line, and i think it is clear enough on most things. it is not my intent to argue whether a particular image is art or porn.

i also want to say something else, although now i’m getting a bit nervous. i’m going to go out on a limb and say that porn implies masturbation. yes, it really does. always. (if you feel i am in error here, please comment.) to those of you who don’t struggle with porn, this might be somewhat of a shock. but it also presents an opportunity for you to grow in love, forgiveness and acceptance of others. while it’s difficult to admit to a “porn” problem it is so much more difficult to admit to a porn and masturbation problem. i also think healing is that much closer to those who are able to call their struggles for what they are–sugar coating our problems is not going to allow others to come alongside us and accept us for who we are. and this is really where the whole shame thing comes in. i don’t think people feel ashamed for looking at porn–it’s what they do with it. so…

now to what i wanted to post in the first place. how would you feel if someone you love and respect told you they had a “porn” problem?

fears

when i was enslaved to this addiction i would lay awake at night afraid. my fears were one, that i would die and my wife would never know, and two, that i would die and she would later find out. but my biggest fear was that i would be on my death bed, unable to confess to a lifetime of hiding a part of me that i despised–basically that i would not be known for who i really was. which means i would not be accepted for who i really was. it’s hard to really relate to the strength of the emotions i felt at that time, but i do remember being consumed with fear and loneliness. over the last few years i’ve learned that i wasn’t alone in my struggle–that a really large proportion of men deal with this for all kinds of reasons. however, when in the midst of these emotions–unable to share them with the people closest to you–a person is truly alone. i’m sorry if any of you are dealing with this right now.

again, i hope this can be a place for healing–that people would feel comfortable in sharing their experiences (which usually ends up benefiting everyone). i guess the provoking question for this post is what are you most afraid of?

i wonder what will happen…

one thing that has been key for me in coming to a place of healing and freedom is identifying what was going on in my life when this addiction set itself upon me. i was 12 or 13 and had moved to a new state only a year or so earlier. i was struggling to develop my identity, find my place in a super-cliquey middle school, while trying to please my friends who were super-guarded, insecure and mean. enter porn magazine from a friend. coupled with my curiosity and inward-focus i became consumed with the female form. i learned that porn + masturbation could cure just about any emotional anxiety i had. this secret world was one where i was safe and affirmed and accepted. unfortunately, it was a parallel world that increasingly refused to cede itself to the real world. i stupidly assumed that getting married would be the cure all. it wasn’t. because this world was not only about sex. it wasn’t even that much about sex. it was about the shallow, selfish, insecure me. it didn’t require the work that a real relationship takes. well, i wish i could say that i became “man” enough to confront this despised part of me and expose it for what it was, but i didn’t. i got caught.

how did your porn addiction begin? what do you think were some deeper issues going on in your life at that time?

btw, i need to give props to matches who unknowingly motivated me to get this blog going today–i actually started it in july, but hadn’t posted anything yet.