how would you feel…

a few weeks ago matches had a post that, through the numerous comments, brought up many questions concerning porn. one that stuck with me was, “what is porn?” i’m sure webster’s has a definition, and i’m sure different people have differing views on what exactly constitutes porn. for the purposes of this blog, i’m going to define pornography as images of the human form that, when viewed, cause one to move from the divine to the worldly–drawing our focus from god to self. in this way, it is defined by the viewer. however, while the line from art to porn may be blurry, there is a line, and i think it is clear enough on most things. it is not my intent to argue whether a particular image is art or porn.

i also want to say something else, although now i’m getting a bit nervous. i’m going to go out on a limb and say that porn implies masturbation. yes, it really does. always. (if you feel i am in error here, please comment.) to those of you who don’t struggle with porn, this might be somewhat of a shock. but it also presents an opportunity for you to grow in love, forgiveness and acceptance of others. while it’s difficult to admit to a “porn” problem it is so much more difficult to admit to a porn and masturbation problem. i also think healing is that much closer to those who are able to call their struggles for what they are–sugar coating our problems is not going to allow others to come alongside us and accept us for who we are. and this is really where the whole shame thing comes in. i don’t think people feel ashamed for looking at porn–it’s what they do with it. so…

now to what i wanted to post in the first place. how would you feel if someone you love and respect told you they had a “porn” problem?

fears

when i was enslaved to this addiction i would lay awake at night afraid. my fears were one, that i would die and my wife would never know, and two, that i would die and she would later find out. but my biggest fear was that i would be on my death bed, unable to confess to a lifetime of hiding a part of me that i despised–basically that i would not be known for who i really was. which means i would not be accepted for who i really was. it’s hard to really relate to the strength of the emotions i felt at that time, but i do remember being consumed with fear and loneliness. over the last few years i’ve learned that i wasn’t alone in my struggle–that a really large proportion of men deal with this for all kinds of reasons. however, when in the midst of these emotions–unable to share them with the people closest to you–a person is truly alone. i’m sorry if any of you are dealing with this right now.

again, i hope this can be a place for healing–that people would feel comfortable in sharing their experiences (which usually ends up benefiting everyone). i guess the provoking question for this post is what are you most afraid of?

i wonder what will happen…

one thing that has been key for me in coming to a place of healing and freedom is identifying what was going on in my life when this addiction set itself upon me. i was 12 or 13 and had moved to a new state only a year or so earlier. i was struggling to develop my identity, find my place in a super-cliquey middle school, while trying to please my friends who were super-guarded, insecure and mean. enter porn magazine from a friend. coupled with my curiosity and inward-focus i became consumed with the female form. i learned that porn + masturbation could cure just about any emotional anxiety i had. this secret world was one where i was safe and affirmed and accepted. unfortunately, it was a parallel world that increasingly refused to cede itself to the real world. i stupidly assumed that getting married would be the cure all. it wasn’t. because this world was not only about sex. it wasn’t even that much about sex. it was about the shallow, selfish, insecure me. it didn’t require the work that a real relationship takes. well, i wish i could say that i became “man” enough to confront this despised part of me and expose it for what it was, but i didn’t. i got caught.

how did your porn addiction begin? what do you think were some deeper issues going on in your life at that time?

btw, i need to give props to matches who unknowingly motivated me to get this blog going today–i actually started it in july, but hadn’t posted anything yet.