one thing that has been key for me in coming to a place of healing and freedom is identifying what was going on in my life when this addiction set itself upon me. i was 12 or 13 and had moved to a new state only a year or so earlier. i was struggling to develop my identity, find my place in a super-cliquey middle school, while trying to please my friends who were super-guarded, insecure and mean. enter porn magazine from a friend. coupled with my curiosity and inward-focus i became consumed with the female form. i learned that porn + masturbation could cure just about any emotional anxiety i had. this secret world was one where i was safe and affirmed and accepted. unfortunately, it was a parallel world that increasingly refused to cede itself to the real world. i stupidly assumed that getting married would be the cure all. it wasn’t. because this world was not only about sex. it wasn’t even that much about sex. it was about the shallow, selfish, insecure me. it didn’t require the work that a real relationship takes. well, i wish i could say that i became “man” enough to confront this despised part of me and expose it for what it was, but i didn’t. i got caught.
how did your porn addiction begin? what do you think were some deeper issues going on in your life at that time?
btw, i need to give props to matches who unknowingly motivated me to get this blog going today–i actually started it in july, but hadn’t posted anything yet.
5 Comments
WOW! Congratulations on your blog! I am very excited for you and very happy for your drive to help others for something that can possess such devastation for people. You are indeed a beautiful spirit, and I’m glad for your successful journey. And not just your success in this journey; the success in your beautiful family as well. I will now get out of the way and let the journey/inclusion of others begin. YEAH!!
thanks for the encouragement matches. due to the nature of this blog, i will be approving each comment as it comes in. i just want to be careful of peoples’ identities and of the healing process that each reader might be in.
I really appreciate your honesty and humility here. We’ve all got our ’stuff.’ The trick is finding a safe place and safe people to work it out with/in front of. I hope this community can be a place like that for all of us. Hope it was OK for me to post a comment. Just trying to say ‘good job.’
Welcome to the Wheatland blogosphere! Thanks for your willingness to share some of your story with us.
I think this is a real gift.
This is why I am at Wheatland. It is a place where people can be honest about what haunts them. Where we don’t have to say, “I am great,” when really we are in pain. Where there is not an expectation that you put on your false “churchy” self with your pressed collar and shiny shoes. You can just be real. I love it. Thanks for having the courage to share in this manner.