when i was enslaved to this addiction i would lay awake at night afraid. my fears were one, that i would die and my wife would never know, and two, that i would die and she would later find out. but my biggest fear was that i would be on my death bed, unable to confess to a lifetime of hiding a part of me that i despised–basically that i would not be known for who i really was. which means i would not be accepted for who i really was. it’s hard to really relate to the strength of the emotions i felt at that time, but i do remember being consumed with fear and loneliness. over the last few years i’ve learned that i wasn’t alone in my struggle–that a really large proportion of men deal with this for all kinds of reasons. however, when in the midst of these emotions–unable to share them with the people closest to you–a person is truly alone. i’m sorry if any of you are dealing with this right now.
again, i hope this can be a place for healing–that people would feel comfortable in sharing their experiences (which usually ends up benefiting everyone). i guess the provoking question for this post is what are you most afraid of?
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Where to start….? I will need some time to narrow them down to a short list in order to put them in a concise post.
Secrets and shame. Passages to death. I’m glad you got out when you could.
I am afraid of living for a dream that can’t, or won’t, be true…a dream that relies on some form of reality rather than reality itself. I’m afraid of success and what it will cost me…how much of myself will I give up to become something else that I might not end up liking. And I’m afraid that at the end of the day I will have accomplished nothing…like today.
I am afraid of failing, failing as a father, failing as a husband, failing as a physician, failing at my passion, triathlons. The way I am afraid of failing is by not doing enough to help my boys navigate successfully in life, by not meeting my wife’s needs, by facing a lawsuit, or by not finishing a race (especially my April 13 race). I used to be afraid of hell, but I have since learned how God really loves me.
first of all – welcome to the blogging world!
second – one of my greatest fears was losing another child. after joseph died i wanted to be with our other children 24/7 to protect them. sometimes even now it’s hard to just let them go and live life but i’m learning that even if something happens i never had control over life and death in the first place.
another fear is just letting people see the struggles paul and i go through for fear of being held to a different standard and people becomeing dissillusioned with God because he’s a pastor (oh, and i’m a pastor’s wife).
should have checked my spelling before hitting post – oh well, you know what i mean.
Does it totally make me look like a flake to say that I’m afraid of getting fat(ter)? I have a totally unhealthy view of my body and a totally unhealthy relationship with food.
Afraid of losing a child or husband to death.
Afraid of my husband leaving me (he has never given me reason to fear…therefore and unhealthy fear).
Karmen, if you are a flake then I am too. I am afraid I’ll never be able to lose the weight, never be able to stop gaining. It’s horrifying to me, and some days I’m consumed by the thought of it. Weaning Samuel gives me some hope for things to change.
Also, I am afraid of being targeted by SRS, having my home and my life examined to see if I am a fit mother. I guess I am afraid that if I was investigated they would decide I wasn’t, which would be about the most crushing thing I can imagine. And finally, I am afraid of being in a car accident – afraid of seeing or feeling my body being torn apart (sorry I know that is graphic). Maybe everyone is afraid of that, but I feel it almost every time I’m in a vehicle.
I’m with you Jenny…only I’m terrified of dying in a plane crash. Everytime I fly I pray a little harder.
I’m afraid of so much…things that seem so silly I can’t even write or talk about them. Most of all I’m afraid of being a disappointment to God. I’m still trying to learn that stuff about how He loves me regardless of my shortcomings.
wow, i’m glad so many of you feel comfortable sharing. i think it’s hard to talk about being afraid because we, as grownups, are supposed to at least look like we have it all together.
also, if you have anything you want to share anonymously, just make up a nickname and put in a bogus email address.
mamajenny, i can relate to your SRS fears. i can’t imagine the hopelessness people feel in that situation and are wrongly accused.
karmenl, you are definitely not alone (and i’m sure you know that). actually, i don’t know anyone who hasn’t struggled with body image.
chill24, the experiences of the last three days made me think about people whose children are really, really sick. the feeling of helplessness, while overwhelming for me, must just be incapacitating for those in much worse situations.
freestyle, keep a tight reign on your fear of failure. sometime you might (and i hope you don’t) fail at something causing you to doubt your identity in christ (i know, i have). you are a redeemed child of christ regardless of how you perform.
matches, how do you define success? also, i think that a day of just being and recognizing that you are is probably more productive for your mental, relational, and emotional health than being productive. no, i’m not into crystals:)
i’m also afraid of me or someone i know dying or getting seriously hurt in a car accident.
i’m afraid people judge me and think i have it all together, and therefore don’t want to get to know me.
i’m afraid that people will judge us for moving into a really nice house. i’m also afraid we will be judged by God for the same thing.
i’m afraid i won’t be able to show my girls that it’s ok to be emotional and feel deeply.
sometimes i’m afraid that something i do is going to cause teason to become addicted again.
Like so many others, I’m afraid – petrified – of losing one of my boys. Death scares me, but more than that, I fear them being kidnapped. For me, this is far worse than imagining them dying.
I fear one of my students knowing more than I do and making me look stupid in front of the entire class.
May sound silly, but when driving on a two-way road in the dark, I’m afraid that the oncoming car will jolt into my lane and hit me head-on.
I have had numerous close friends move away. When meeting new people, I am hesitant to invest in a friendship because I expect them to eventually move. It’s hard to let a friendship grow and deepen when the fear of them leaving is always in the back of my mind.