a few weeks ago matches had a post that, through the numerous comments, brought up many questions concerning porn. one that stuck with me was, “what is porn?” i’m sure webster’s has a definition, and i’m sure different people have differing views on what exactly constitutes porn. for the purposes of this blog, i’m going to define pornography as images of the human form that, when viewed, cause one to move from the divine to the worldly–drawing our focus from god to self. in this way, it is defined by the viewer. however, while the line from art to porn may be blurry, there is a line, and i think it is clear enough on most things. it is not my intent to argue whether a particular image is art or porn.
i also want to say something else, although now i’m getting a bit nervous. i’m going to go out on a limb and say that porn implies masturbation. yes, it really does. always. (if you feel i am in error here, please comment.) to those of you who don’t struggle with porn, this might be somewhat of a shock. but it also presents an opportunity for you to grow in love, forgiveness and acceptance of others. while it’s difficult to admit to a “porn” problem it is so much more difficult to admit to a porn and masturbation problem. i also think healing is that much closer to those who are able to call their struggles for what they are–sugar coating our problems is not going to allow others to come alongside us and accept us for who we are. and this is really where the whole shame thing comes in. i don’t think people feel ashamed for looking at porn–it’s what they do with it. so…
now to what i wanted to post in the first place. how would you feel if someone you love and respect told you they had a “porn” problem?
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My honest reactions:
My response would be, as it was for you, sadness. internal suffering without external support is shaming and exhausting and soul-darkening. It is torture.
My second response would be, as it was for you, surprise. People don’t talk about their addictions and when they finally do it is pushed out against their internal gage to protect their pride.
My third response would be, as it was for you, confusion. I don’t share the same burden, which I hesitate to share as it possibly makes your load more difficult. But this confusion goes for other addictions as well (workaholics, alcoholism, etc). I am also aware that addiction is a silent killer: sneaking up when you least expect it.
My fourth response would be, as it was for you, pride. That is, pride for you.
So many thoughts have run through my mind in trying to answer this question. My response…honestly would be different for different people.
My response to my husband would be different than my response to my son or brother. Although I hope my thoughts and feelings would eventually end up the same after working through the first few knee-jerk reaction. But initially with my husband, I think I would feel hurt, anger, distrust, shocked (I’m not saying that is the right response, just an honest one). After that I would like to think I could settle in to finding out the root of the problem. I’m assuming that the problem is much deeper than just liking a female form.
I know from my own experience (not with this particular problem) that living with something that you don’t always feel like you have control over is a shame filled existence. My heart feels heavy for anyone (whatever the problem) who sees no end in sight. It’s torturous.
So….I think I would respond with sadness, heartache, but hopeful. Now that it would be out in the open…the journey to wholeness and healing has begun.
I would not be very shocked, since I have been told so often that almost every man confronts the desire to masturbate, and porn is so readily available in our modern world. I would be sad to hear about someone’s struggle with this issue that I know can be so addictive and destructive to relationships. But I would also be glad that the person was willing to be open and receive support from their family and community.
I was recently reading somewhere about how being like a little child in the Kingdom of God means that we are not self-conscious, not easily embarrassed or afraid of letting others know our struggles. I think this is really good. Then we can let God’s light shine on whatever our issues may be, and receive grace and help from His people as well.
I realize that I am in a position that makes it possible for me to hear from people on a variety of personal issues more than most. Because of my work more people share stuff with me that they wouldn’t elsewhere. That being said,
I have to say that I would:
1)not be surprised (typically) to hear someone I know share that they have a “porn” problem;
2)be happy for them. Not happy for the problem that they struggle with but happy that they were ready to deal with it. Talking about it is not the only cure but it’s a necessary part of healing.
3)hopeful …
mamajenny, what a great word picture of being like a little child–can you imagine how amazing it would feel to never be self-conscious or embarrassed? wow. thanks for your insight.
it’s encouraging to me that those of you who have commented would approach this with a general sense of the deep, unmet needs of the other person–not denying your own hurt or disappointment, but desiring healing and restoration.
definitely not surprised, but sad, always sad. i have learned so much in the process of fighting this alongside teason. one of the things i’ve learned is how widespread this addiction is, and i’ve been saddened to learn of its grip on family members and friends.
hopeful. i have witnessed teason and another male friend climb out of the hole of this addiction. it is difficult, but possible. they have done it very differently. it was essential for our friend to find healing and accountability outside of his marriage relationship, so he joined several groups specifically for porn addicts. teason has chosen to keep it mostly between us, though he did meet once or twice with a man we respect, who helped him a lot. i’m stll struggling with whether we’re handling it the “right” way, or if there is a right way. much more to say on that, but…
when teason decided to publicly come clean, it was interesting to note others’ reactions. some friends and family came alongside us and prayed for us (though interestingly enough even the most supportive haven’t followed up and asked how he’s doing–in three years!), but we felt judged by others for being so open about it. i think people were just freaked out that teason was willing to talk about a taboo subject–especially men who perhaps felt threatened that their own problem would be exposed. Others just couldn’t handle us being so real, I guess.
to a certain extent we still feel alone–i think many people do. this helps.
Isolation has to be the worst. I’m sure it’s most helpful to have people that deal with the same thing come a long side of you, but please know that you are not alone. That’s what community is for. I’m so excited to share this life with people who are open and REAL about their stuff. Thank you for being courageous…both of you.
when a friend told this to me, I reacted with surprisingly bad listening skills (trying to imply it wasn’t a problem, injecting my own irrelevant experience into it, & just not listening). the taboo-ness of the topic made me react in a knee-jerk, make it go away kind of way, & that is far from supportive. So, good for you for making it less taboo!